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Various Jokes Thread
#41
After having sex with a rough council estate girl, there's nothing worse than looking down and seeing a split and leaking condom hanging off the end of your cock.

Especially when you weren't wearing one to begin with.


My wife told me that we have too many pointless rooms in the house and that we should move to a smaller place that is easier to clean.
What a bitch! I'm going to go sulk in the masturbatorium...



I'll never forget the night my wife left me. I was about to give her a good seeing to when we noticed the cat lying on the bed.

Just toss it off she said.



While on the park throwng my sons new boomerang around i thought to myself
'I wonder how it manages to to completely change direction like that

Then it hit me.
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#42
Little Johnny got kicked out of class today! The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?"
Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab," was the wrong answer.



Don't you just hate it when your finger goes through the toilet paper.

But I do love my job at the care home.




A day from the diary of a BMW rider...

"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!

The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!

He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent bike.

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my bike goes fast!

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior bike I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I ride a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!

See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!



Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programes, such as Romance and Personal... Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV.......... Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

........................................

Dear Desperate, First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.com' and try to download Tears.

Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewelery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,Tech Support

Interesting Human Body Facts


- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.

- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).

- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.

- The average man's -Schlong- is three times the length of his thumb.

- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.

- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.

- Women blink twice as much as men.

- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.

- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!

- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.

- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

*** You looked at your thumb... Didn't you?
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#43
I still remember the good old days at school, a quick fag behind the bikesheds and fingering birds at breaktime........... I fuckin loved that caretakers job . Laugh
I am Weasel. Hmm, toasty warm hands................. I love my smashing heated grips O'shagnasty.
[Image: 84UXVnH0.jpg]
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#44
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello?"

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only two thousand pounds. Is it okay if I buy it?"

Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."

Man: "How much?"

Woman: "I think its 68,000 pounds."

Man: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."

Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. The asking-price is 1.25 million."

Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 1 mil."

Woman: "Okay, honey, you're the best! I love you!"

Man: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.



He starts to smile and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"
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#45
A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"



A man is stumbling through the bush totally drunk and then he comes upon a Bishop baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the Bishop. The Bishop turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the Bishop grabs him and deeps him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The Bishop, shocked with the answer, deeps him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the Bishop is worried and so he deeps the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs struggling for breath, the Bishop pulls him up. The Bishop asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the Bishop

'Are you sure this is where JESUS fell in?'
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#46
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house
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#47
Capactator and Inductor sex.

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current , to watch the sine waves.

Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie's characteristic curve. Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". As he increased his tube to maximum output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current shortening her shunt, Micro's capacity rapidly discharged and every electron was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.


Bill catches a taxi home one evening, the cabbie charges him almost double the usual fare and when Bill complains he becomes abusive.
Bill resolves to get his revenge if he comes across this taxi driver again.
A week later he goes to get a cab home and notices the driver from the week before is third in the taxi rank.
He strolls up and gets in the first cab, once inside he tells the driver that he doesn't have any cash but, if he takes him home he'll give him a blow job.
The cab driver goes mad and kicks him out of his cab.
Bill now gets into the second cab and makes that driver the same proposition: a blow job for a lift home. The second driver also refuses and kicks him out.
So now Bill gets into the third taxi, the guy who ripped him off, and asks to be dropped a few blocks away.
As the cab drives off Bill smiles at the first two drivers and gives a big thumbs up....


I was chatting up a sexy young brunette yesterday when she turned to me and said, "So then mystery man, tell me what you do during a typical day".

"That's easy", I replied, "I usually start off by having a lazy morning at home before eventually tearing myself off the sofa and heading to the bowling alley. Then I dash to the cinema before going around town for a couple hours. Then in the evening I normally go to a really posh restaurant before hitting a couple of bars and finishing off at the nightclub."

"That sounds amazing", she said, looking impressed, "So you're a man of leisure?"

"No", I replied, "I'm a taxi driver".


I said to my mate "I really need some advice for a serious problem. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs, someone hangs up when I answer the phone, she's going out more than usual, lots of make up and new underwear. I try to stay awake until she gets home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind my motorbike, when she came home she got out of some blokes car and was buttoning up her blouse, then she took her knickers out of her handbag and slipped them back on. It was at that moment i noticed it............

A hairline crack in the engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?



Today I saw a man i suspected was a terrorist driving a van clearly labeled as carrying explosives, luckily I was able to pull him out of the cab before he was able to commit his terrorist outrage and beat him to a pulp with the wheel brace from my car.

Sadly I am being charged with attempted murder, apparently 'TNT Express' is the name of a popular haulage company.
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#48
Sometime you just gotta hand it to short people. Because quite often, they just can't reach it.


I met up with a girl off the Internet, we got chatting and getting to know each other.
She asked, "What do you love doing most in this life?"
I replied, "Probably drinking with friends."
We paused for a few moments....
She asked, "Don't you want to ask me what I love doing most?"
I said, "I don't need to you fat cunt."


A man is out hunting when his gun misfires and it hits his groin. When he wakes up he's in the hospital and the doctor says to him "I have some good news and some bad news". The man asks "What's the bad news?" The doctor replies "Your penis has been damaged in the accident" He then asks "what's the good news?" The doctor says "I can refer you to my sister" The guy says "Is she a plastic surgeon?" The doctor says "No, She's a professional flute player and can teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye"


Woo Hoo!
The girlfriends finally agreed to have anal sex!

What the fucks a strap-on?
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#49
American Obesity Resolved:
In the 90's an American band released a song called 'Feed the World'. Then a few years later a group of American singers released a song called 'We are the World'




A man is driving his eighteen wheeler down the road, when he sees a hitch hiker. So the trucker stops and picks up the man. While they are driving down the road, the trucker says "Hey man, you wanna see something pretty cool?" The hitch hiker says sure. So the trucker has this monkey in the back, and he makes it come up with the men, and he smacks the monkey up side his head, and the monkey gives him a blow job. So after that, the trucker says "Hey man, do you want some of that?" And the hitch hiker says "Sure, but just don't smack me so hard."
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#50
The Government have issued a warning due to the cold weather.


They suggest that anyone travelling in the icy conditions should make sure to have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Tyre Chains
Torch or lantern with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty Gas Can
First Aid Kit
Jump Leads

I looked a right tw*t on the bus this morning !!!!!!
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#51
I bet the guy who operates the hydraulic ramp came in handy Wink
I am Weasel. Hmm, toasty warm hands................. I love my smashing heated grips O'shagnasty.
[Image: 84UXVnH0.jpg]
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#52
A fat kid comes home from school and says to his Mother, "I got the highest score in PE today."

"Well done," says his Mother.

"By the way Mum, what is BMI?"




I went to Boots and said, "I'd like some deodorant please."

The woman said, "Is it the ball deodorant you want?"

I said, "No, underarm."
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#53
There once was a guy called Nymchnun Cywych who was welsh. He had a mate who was a farmer.

One day his mate called him up with a problem, " My female sheep is in season but I've got no ram and she needs to be mated. Will you do it for 500 quid?"

The welshman replied, "All right, but give me a couple of months before I do it."

"Why a couple of months, i thought this sort of thing would be right up your street and you would do it straight away."

The welshman replied, " You've misunderstood me here, I would do it straight away, but I need a couple of months to find your 500 quid."
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#54
Laugh Laugh , like that one mate, welsh sheep scatterers .
I am Weasel. Hmm, toasty warm hands................. I love my smashing heated grips O'shagnasty.
[Image: 84UXVnH0.jpg]
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#55
I knew a little chinese man who died the other day. He was a really nice guy but no one turned up to his funeral.

Unbereavable
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#56
A nun walked into Mother Superior's office and plunked down into a chair. She let out a sigh, heavy with frustration."What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family.""It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.""I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So your day of recreation was not relaxing?""Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior. "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother A 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I ever made....it was flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hit a bird in mid-flight, not 100 yards off the tee!""Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!""No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel ran out of the woods, grabbed my ball and ran off down the fairway!""Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother Superior."But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "I was so proud of myself While I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swooped down, grabbed the squirrel and flew off, with my ball still clutched in the squirrel's paws!""So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile."Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "....as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right on the green. The ball popped out of the squirrel's paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup! " Mother Superior sat abruptly back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"




Morris and his wife, Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is $50 and $50 is $50." A few years later, Esther and Morris went to the fair. Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris, that helicopter ride is $50 and $50 dollars is $50." The pilot overheard the couple. He said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, i won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's $50." Morris and Esther agreed --- and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over. When they had landed the pilot said "I tried everything I could think of to get you to cry out, you did well to stay quiet, I'm very impressed!" Morris replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but $50 is $50."




A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busylunchtime. They got behind a very fat business woman who had a pager with her.After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,

"Wow,Shes fat!"

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet.A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far as they would go and announced;

"Her bum is this wide!"

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"

The little boy yelled out,

"Run for your fucking life,she's reversing!"
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#57
Proof That The World Is Nuts
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with
a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased
must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.


(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins,who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there
any job, anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
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#58
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
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#59
My wife thinks I'm too drunk to take the goldfish for a walk.

I'll show her.



I don't need school. My English can't get any gooder



Designers of the london olympic stadium have been advised to use lower power floodlights than the ones used in China after they noticed that 90% of the crowd seemed to be squinting.



I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidently knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.
She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said;

"Get a fucking grip, you stupid bitch."



As my wife opened her Valentines gifts of, self raising and plain flour.
She asked, "Must I always spell things out to you?"



For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.



Hello.

You've just received an African virus.

Since we're not so technologically advanced in Africa, this is a MANUAL virus.

Please delete ALL files on your hard drive and shut down your computer, thanks.



My wife said the oven timer wasn't working.
As I replaced the batteries I said,
"It's called a smoke alarm".
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#60
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"
Reply


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