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Various Jokes Thread
Quote:My Dad said to me, "It's going to be a nightmare this Christmas with the amount of people coming to visit".

I said ,"Tell me something I don't know"

So he replied, "Your mum's arse can take two fists".
Laugh Laugh Laugh So wrong, but so funny .. Smile
I am Weasel. Hmm, toasty warm hands................. I love my smashing heated grips O'shagnasty.
[Image: 84UXVnH0.jpg]
I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

(So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.)
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

(You're going to love this....)

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.
Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London . Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".

Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of dose and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think were thickos from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on my best English accent.

Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business said Mick.

They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners.

I asked my missus for wheelbarrow sex,she said"whats that" i said"i get you like a wheelbarrow and fuck you
" She said"ok 2 conditions though. No anal sex and no pushing me past your dads house".
My wife walked in as I was giving my dog a blow job.

She said, "That's disgusting, what do you have to say for yourself?"

I just stood sat there and said nothing.

She said, "The cat got your tongue?"

I said, "Sometimes".
I was just taking a dip in the swimming pool.

When the lifeguard asked, "What have you got there?"

I replied, "Hummus."

A new online dating service has been set up dedicated to Welsh Swingers,
Big Grin Can see that prompting a retort of some sort Smile
I am Weasel. Hmm, toasty warm hands................. I love my smashing heated grips O'shagnasty.
[Image: 84UXVnH0.jpg]
thought that when i posted it Big Grin
a bloke goes for a job in a restaraunt.

the potential gaffer askes him to make a sandwich as quick as he can, so he gets a fresh loaf, throws it in the air,
while its on the way down he grabs a knife and slices it up into perfect equal slices, then grabs a butter knife and butters two pieces,
seperating buttered from unbuttered onto a plate.

he then grabs a cucumber, spins it on its end, grabs a pairing knife and makes it into one long twirl of cucumber,
blows it and it lands perfectly on the buttered bread.
grabs some cheese, throws it in the air, grabs the grater, grates it onto the sandwich then catches the rest of the cheese in a bag.
then throws a tomato in the air, chops it up mid air, each piece falling perfectly onto the sandwich, as he finishes chopping he see's a dartboard at the end of the room, throws the knife at it, FUCKING DOUBLE TOP!

He then turns to the boss and cockily asks "do i get the job then?"

"Nah" says the boss, "You fuck about too much".

After a long day at work, I came home to find my obese girlfriend crying,

''What's wrong?'' I asked,

''I'm just depressed about my weight, everyone points and stares when I go out'' She replied,

So being the good boyfriend, I replied,

''Aww you're not fat, chin up darling.. and the other one''
"I was in a Chinese restaurant when a duck came up to me with a rose and
said: 'Your eyes sparkle like the stars'.

So I said to the waiter: 'Excuse me, I ordered aromatic duck!!!!!!'
Not "A Romantic Duck" Huh
[size="3"]A tourist is preparing to go scuba diving off the coast of Ireland. He asks the Irish diving guide:

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:

"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the feckin’ boat." :blink: [/size]
I have blue eyes. I got them from my father.
My mother has black eyes. She also got them from my father.

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

Paddy gets sentenced to three years in jail.
On his first day he meets Leroy ,his new cellmate.
Leroy gets out his huge cock and slams it into the stainless stell sink,denting it.
Them he smashes it into their table knocking everything off.
Leroy looks at Paddy and says "This is going straight up your arse!"
Paddy breathes a sigh of relief and says "Thank fuck for that,I thought you were gonna hit me with it".
I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

A little boy gets a bike for Christmas. On Boxing day he is riding the bike home, it's nearly dark and he has no lights on his bike.
A young policeman on a horse pulls the lad over and, humouring the boy he says,

"Did Father Christmas get that bike for you?"
Boy replies "Ye he did".
Copper says, "Well next year you ask him for some lights for that bike" and gives the boy a ticket.
Boy says "Did Father Christmas get you that horse mister"?
Copper, again humouring the boy says "Yes he did".
Boy says, " Well next year you ask him to put the Dick underneath the horse"!!!

Two point guide to doing the perfect front roll.

1. Get into squat position.
2. Try to suck own cock.
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of bird strike collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

You're going to love this......

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:


"Defrost the chicken."

lol good one
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
Laugh Laugh Laugh
I am Weasel. Hmm, toasty warm hands................. I love my smashing heated grips O'shagnasty.
[Image: 84UXVnH0.jpg]
below are a couple of stories of darwin awards, for those who've not heard of this, it's an award given for people who remove themselves from the
gene pool in stupid ways (got killed) or injured badly. more stories here

Last weekend I was at Larry's Pistol & Pawn looking for a little something special for my wife, Renee. I came across a 100,000-volt pocket taser. Its disabling effect on an assailant was described as short-lived, with no long-term consequences, but would allow my wife--who would never consider a gun--adequate time to retreat to safety.


Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed, but then I read (yes, I read the instructions) that if I pressed the taser against a metal surface and pushed the button at the same time, I'd see a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs, to verify that it was working.


I have yet to explain to Renee that new burn spot on the face of her microwave.

There I was, home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? I sat there in my recliner, reading the directions, my cat Gracie looking on intently. Trusting little soul. I got to thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second. She is such a sweet cat, but if I was going to give this device to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So there I sat in shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant, a two-second burst would cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control, and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. A burst longer than three seconds would be a waste of batteries.

I'm sitting there alone, with Gracie looking on, her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it.' But I was reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...


Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up from my recliner, and body slammed us both onto the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, tingling legs, nipples on fire, and testicles nowhere to be found.

SON-OF-A... That Hurt Like HELL!

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, you should know that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that taser until it is dislodged from your hand by your involuntary violent thrashing about on the floor.

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was relative at that point) I collected what wits I had left, sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it was shot up with Novocaine. My bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. And I'm still looking for my testicles!!

I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

This guy pushed his motorcycle from the patio into his living room, where he began to clean the engine with some rags and a bowl of gasoline, all in the comfort of his own home. When he finished, he sat on the motorcycle and decided to give his bike a quick start and make sure everything was still OK. Unfortunately, the bike started in gear, and crashed through the glass patio door with him still clinging to the handlebars.

His wife had been working in the kitchen. She came running at the fearful sound, and found him crumpled on the patio, badly cut from the shards of broken glass. She called 911, and the paramedics carried the unfortunate man to the Emergency Room.

Later that afternoon, after many stitches had pulled her husband back together, the wife brought him home and put him to bed. She cleaned up the mess in the living room, and dumped the bowl of gasoline in the toilet.

Shortly thereafter, her husband woke up, lit a cigarette, and went into the bathroom for a much-needed relief break. He sat down and tossed the cigarette into the toilet, which promptly exploded because the wife had not flushed the gasoline away. The explosion blew the man through the bathroom door.

The wife heard a loud explosion and the terrible sound of her husband's screams. She ran into the hall and found her husband lying on the floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same two paramedics were dispatched to the scene. They loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. One of them asked the wife how the injury had occurred. When she told them, they began laughing so hard that they dropped the stretcher, and broke the guy's collarbone.

(September 2001, Virginia) I work in a motorcycle shop. We see many who have no business being behind two wheels. But the owner of a bike brought in for service really takes the cake.

The entire front end had been ripped off, which is an odd damage pattern. The owner offered the following tale.

He had allowed the motorcycle to sit idle for several months. When he attempted to start it again, the wait had drained the battery. Undeterred, he attempted to bump-start the bike. A manual-transmission vehicle rolling with sufficient speed, popped into second gear, will often start right up, and this is called a bump-start.

The owner lived at the top of a long hill. After a number of repeated and unsuccessful attempts to bump-start the bike, he was left with another problem: a stalled bike sitting at the bottom of a long incline.

The man called his girlfriend to bring her truck and tow the bike back up the hill. A length of rope was procured. One end of the rope was affixed to the truck's bumper, and the other was affixed to the waist of the bike owner "riding" the stalled motorcycle up the hill.

They set off, she in her truck and he on his bike. All was well until he chose to make one final attempt to bump-start the motorcycle. As soon as the clutch engaged, the engine turned into a brake. The bike stopped cold. The owner did not.

His girlfriend was blissfully unaware of what was happening behind her and proceeded to drive to his house, dragging him slowly behind her.

Despite his injuries, he is expected to recover.
The best way to make a brew is the agitate the bag.

So next time, spank the misses and say 2 sugars fat arse.

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