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Various Jokes Thread
#1
Paddy buys a new bath but goes back to the shop the next day for a refund.
"The water keeps running out of it" Paddy says.
The shop assistant looks puzzled and says "You did buy a plug for it didn't you?"
"Ah for fucks sake!" says Paddy angrily "You didn't tell me it was electric"


A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."


I got pulled over by the police the other day & the officer says to me,

"Could you blow into this bag for me please sir"?

I said, "Why, was I driving badly"?

He said "No, my chips are too hot"



three men are out camping ....

when suddenly they here this noise......

they all then poke there heads out to see what it was and to there surprise a lion is sniffing around there campsite

they all look at each other with a shear look of terror on there face's

just then Bill whispers "hey we have a gun for emergencies remember"

Tom crops up and say's "but who's going to shoot it?"

they have a game of rock paper scissors and fat Gerry loses so he is forced to take out the beast

after an hour of trying to ready himself Gerry finally gets enough courage to slay the animal that will surely kill them

he silently opens the door

creeps a little forward

a little further

then a tiny bit more until suddenly ....

the lion turns sharply and begins to chase Gerry

his friends know he is done for as he is a hefty fellow

but soon realize as the lion is running he is slipping allot

Gerry reaches the camper van and narrowly escapes the ferocious beast

as the men recount what has happened Tom turn's to Gerry and say's

"Jesus Gerry I Would Have Shit Myself if lion was chasing me"

to which Gerry turn's and gasp's

"what the fuck do you think he was slipping on?"



I was walking down to the shops the other day when some twat started throwing milk and cheese at me.
I thought to myself, ''How dairy!''
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#2
Hypnotist at the Old Folks Home

It was entertainment night at the Old Folks Home.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
'I want each one of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch..
It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:

'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'

The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger
And fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

'SH*T!' said the Hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Old Folks Home!



My wife was dying, I was by her bedside and she said in a tired voice

"there's something I must confess"

"shhh!" I said " there's nothing to confess, everythings ok"

"No I must die in piece. I f*cked your brother, your best friend and your father" she said

"I know" I whispered "thats why I poisoned you you tart, now close your eyes"



I wanna go down on you and make you extremely happy.
Then come back up slowly and F*ck you Real good...Yours truly, Gas Prices!


Waterboarding; a technique used to extract information from terrorist organizations

Waterboard; a terrorist organization that extracts money from UK homeowners
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#3
Got myself a new pet penguin the other day, it's much better than our dog.

I can fuck it up the arse when the wife's at work and she'll never notice it's walking funny.



I went to see the dentist today, While he was looking at my teeth he said:

"It looks like you've been eating too much sugar"

I don't mind him saying I'm fat, but if he calls me "sugar" again, I'll twat him.
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#4
Did you hear O.J Simpson's getting re-married?

He claims he's going to have another stab at it.




I've just joined a French gym.
There's no weight section, it's just full of f*cking running machines.
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#5
Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend.
The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children.
The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!"



Cops came around to my house today, told me that my dog was chasing someone on a bike, i told them to bugger off, my dog doesn't own a bike.



Two couples are on holiday.
The husband's Paul and Dave decide to try and get their ladies to wife swap.
Amazingly they agree but Paul knows his wife is on her period so he has got one up on Dave.
They agree that at breakfast they'll tap the spoon on the table however many times they shagged the others wife.
Paul grins and taps the table twice,
looks across at Dave who smiles then taps once on the jam and three times on the Nutella.


i have been feeling really stressed recently, until i saw this doctor on the tele this morning.
he said 'The way to achieve inner peace, you should finish all the things you started'.
after i heard this i started looking around the house to what i had started but had'nt finished.
by dinner time today i had finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys,
a butle of wum, a pockage of prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valuminun Scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz.
yu haf no idr how bludy fablus i feel rit now.
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#6
That's a cracker!
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#7
"Haven't seen you for a while", my old bigheaded mate bragged, "I've been so busy racing my Porsche.
It does 0-60 in 5 seconds, turns on a sixpence and has beaten everything, whatever the conditions"

"Well I've been busy racing myself, but mine is lucky to do 40,
is shit at turns and the suspension is non existant,
but a grand says I'll give you a run for your money on my home course"

"Make it two grand and you're on", he gloated.

You should have seen the cocky c*nt's face when he first saw my speedboat.



My racing snail wasn't winning races any more so I decided to take his shell off to reduce his weight and make him more aerodynamic.
It didn't work though. If anything it made him more sluggish...
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#8
A man and a friend are playing golf one day.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen.
You are truly a kind man."


The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."



A Tory government, then miners in the news and now a royal wedding!

Bet the Falkland Islanders are shitting themselves now!



My girlfriend said she didn't want tacky shit for christmas this year.

So I've bought her some laxatives.




A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes I do." she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes I remember."
"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"
"Yes I do", she replied.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."



A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis.
The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"

"Well, doctor, I live in a caravan park," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely,
sexy girl lives next door.
She's blonde and built like a brick shithouse.
She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor
of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."

"And?" prompted the doctor.

"Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy,
so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole,
I removed it and substituted my dick."

"It was a great idea and everything was going well.
Then someone knocked at the door,
she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."
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#9
[Image: worst02.jpg]
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#10
A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water.

"I thought you only drank blood?" said the Barman

The vampire pulled out a used tampon and said "Im making tea"



why was the condom flying around the room?

it was pissed off



Breaking News. Steve Jobs is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand



The manager of the pub I work in is threatening to fire me because I'm always playing Donkey Kong.

He said, "You're supposed to catch the beer barrels when I roll them down to you, stop jumping over them."



During these difficult economic times I am vowing that this year, I will only jingle "some" of the way.



A man and a monkey walk into a bar. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.
Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them.

He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is back, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar.
The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender asks, "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight,
but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."



The people of Afghanistan don't like The Flintstones, but the people of Abu Dhabi do.
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#11
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one, but never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the "Gripe Sheets" before the next flight.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny...........
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
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#12
LOL!
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#13
I never credited the old lady next door with much creativity, but this morning I noticed that she has crafted the most exquisitely realistic snow sculpture of a woman lying on her driveway.

I must go round to congratulate her after work.



Waking the Dead. One letter away from being the most controversial show on TV.
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#14
Brrrrr.... fuck it. First thing tomorrow I'm going out to the garden to burn a load of old tyres and aerosol cans,
and see if I can get global warming kickstarted again.


Paddy and Murphy chatting about wanking. Murphy asks Paddy if he's ever had a blow job off the vacuum. Paddy thinks for a second and replies, "No, never!"
That night, Paddy's got sex on the mind, looks over at the vacuum and recalls Murphy's question and thinks.... fuck it! why not? He plugs the vac in, turns it on and sticks his cock in only to be met with the most excruciating pain. Paddy quickly switches it off, runs out to his car with it still hanging from his cock and races to Murphy's house. He bangs on the door and Murphy opens it, Paddy shouts "Murphy you cunt, I tried getting a suck off the vac and look what it's done to my cock!"
Murphy replies Shit Paddy, you best get to the hospital, it's wrapped round the roller brush!"


The other day my girlfriend told me to meet her at her mum and dads house. As I got there her mother opened the door wearing just her bra and knickers. She said to me, "Take me upstairs big boy, no-one will be in for about an hour." I instantly turned around and started walking very fast towards my car. About 5 steps from the car my girlfriend and her dad jumped out and said "This was a test, to see if you are faithful, and congratulations. You've passed."

I was so relieved.

The moral of the story: ALWAYS leave your condoms in the car.



After a prolonged strike in a Liverpool factory, the general manager was addressing a meeting of the work force. "You will be pleased to hear," he announced, "that the management have agreed to all your demands. Starting next week, all wages will be increased by 50 per cent, there will be twelve weeks' paid holiday per annum, everyone gets entitled to free medical cover and you must only work on Thursdays."

"What!" shouted a voice from the back. "Every bloody Thursday?"



A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"



Because of all the snow and ice at the moment, the government are
worried about kids playing on the roads, so to scare them off, they are going to bring out a new machine.
It's called the "Gary Gritter".
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#15
I like my strategy for a date like my strategy for Pokemon.
I use "Charm" as my opening move.
When the moment is right, I unleash my "Sleeping Powder".
I follow by preparing myself with "Harden"
Then "Pound" repeatedly for the rest of the encounter.
After, I cycle off on my bike leaving them unconscious in the grass. I like this!
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#16
I clearly missed the point of Pokemon :blink:
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#17
Order now for Christmas the new Radio 1 Live Lounge with the cover versions you never thought you would hear;
Susan Boyle - Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me.
Stevie Wonder - I Can See Clearly Now.
Nick Griffin - Black or White.
Katie Price - Like a Virgin.
Rhianna - Hit Me Baby One More Time.
Micheal Jackson - I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles.
Josef Fritzl - Love Shack.
Stephen Hawking - I'm Still Standing.



After a long drive, I finally arrived home from work. Turning the corner,
I noticed an ambulance parked outside my house; lights still flashing vibrantly.
I froze instantly; shock ran through my motionless body as I attempted to come to terms with what I was witnessing.


.. That cunt took my parking space.




My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when i had my trousers round my ankles and my cock out, that i realised she wanted to rent out her spare room.




I was sat on the tube next to the wife earlier and thought to myself ...

I wish she'd hurry up and die or the nurse might notice her oxygen's dropped.


My Daughter was asked to do a farmyard impression at school today,
apparently "Get the fuck off my land before I shoot you, you pikey bastard" wasn't quite what the teacher was expecting..
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#18
"Get orf moi Larrrnd!" Laugh
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#19
A man staggered into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises,

two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.




Naturally the doctor asked him 'What happened to you?'


'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when, at a

difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture..

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed

one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough,

there was a golf ball with my wife's Monogram on it

stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse.


Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,

'Hey, this looks like yours!'


'I don't remember much after that...'
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#20
Paddy goes to the patent office, having invented a new mouse trap. It consists of a ramp with a razor blade at the top, set at rightangles. Below the drop is a piece of cheese.

Patent officer: "How does it work then?"

Paddy: "Quite straightforward. The mouse walks up the ramp. When he leans over to get the cheese his neck goes onto the razor blade and it slits his throat".

Patent officer: "Stupid git! There wouldn't be nearly enough pressure to slit its throat. Get out of my office and don't come back until you've perfected it".

After months of head scratching Paddy makes a single but vital modification: he removes the cheese. He proudly returns to the patent office and puts the trap on the desk.

Patent officer: "OK, smart arse, enlighten me".

Paddy: "Simple. Mouse walks up the ramp, leans over onto the razor blade and slits his throat..."

Patent officer: "Fuck off, that's exactly the same as before."

Paddy: "No, no. This time he moves his head from side to side saying '"where's the fucking cheese?" "

Job done.



I saw a bloke let his dog walk straight out in front of a lorry this morning.

The cruel cunt didn't even flinch when it was killed. He was too busy standing round, trying to look cool in his sunglasses.



I've been sleeping with this bloke's wife and today he sent me this text:

"You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!"

To which I replied:

"8 out of 10, I'll requires an apostrophe and a capital I."



In cold weather like this, it's important to think about the birds...

...and how hard their nipples must be.



My Dad said to me, "It's going to be a nightmare this Christmas with the amount of people coming to visit".

I said ,"Tell me something I don't know"

So he replied, "Your mum's arse can take two fists".
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